A Big Family...or so they say

I'm finally finding time to sit down and gather my thoughts... actually write them down. If I told you the real reason I wanted to start having kids, you'd call me crazy. Therefore, I'll keep that between God and me. I always wanted 2 kids. A boy and a girl. In that order. At 23 years old, I got my boy, Ezra. We knew we wanted another. We would soon find out we were having another boy. I remember thinking, "This is it. This is my last kid." I'll never forget, I was in line at Chick-fil-A, getting my spicy chicken biscuit (something I craved everyday during that pregnancy). I had been texting my dad that morning. I told him that after Levi we wouldn't have any more kids. His response: "That's sad... I had hoped you'd want a big family. I had always wanted more than 2. When you get older, you'll love that you had more. More to take care of you." That day, that conversation, changed everything. After Levi was born, like I mean right after I had just given birth to him, I remember immediately knowing in my heart Levi was definitely not going to be my last child. A few months later, we did it. We bought our swagger wagon. It had 4 seats in the back. At the time, we only filled up 2 of them. I recall telling Adam, "We are going to fill up this car!" I'm 99% sure Adam laughed, and then he followed that with a, "In your wildest dreams!" Well, a few months later, my wildest dreams came true! THIRD BOY! Asher. How lucky am I?! I get to have 3 boys who love their mama so much. There will never be a day in my life I will lack love or protection. 

So that's the background to the part I really want to discuss. A BIG FAMILY. Now I want to know WHO decides what a big family is. Is a big family 3? 4? 7? 19? I mean, what is the answer? What's considered "normal"? "small"? Why the heck do people care? I think my biggest frustration has been unsolicited advice and opinions from others. Close family. Distant friends. Strangers. To the point I've said on occasion, "I just want to move far away... away from the opinions of others. Where I can just live life, grow my family, and enjoy the fruits of my labor (literally and figuratively)." If you would have asked me when I was younger if I wanted a "big family" I would have said, "No, I only want 2 kids. Party of 4." However, as I have started having kids, I have absolutely fallen in love with the role of "mom." I want more kids, but I want more kids without the eye rolls. Without the judgement. Without the "are you kidding me?" rolling around in the back of their heads. At the very end of the day, Adam & I are 100% completely responsible for our kids. Food. Clothing. Shelter. Potty Training. Education. Daycare. Sports. College. If we chose to have more kids, that's OUR decision. There will come a time when they will grow up and become adults. I like to think that far ahead. Will I be happy that I chose to have more than 2, more than 3, by gosh, dare I say possibly more than 4?? Speaking on behalf of Sophie in 20 years....30 years....40 years....50 years. I will be so glad I chose to have A BIG FAMILY!! Bring on the grand-babies. All the grand-babies! 

Fat Sucks And So Do Her Friends

My story starts out like most people's story. I've struggled with weight my whole life. Shock! Surprise. I bet you didn't guess that.

I think the first time I realized I was heavier than most of my friends was in 3rd grade.

For the last 18 years of my life I have struggled with body image issues. I'd venture to say most girls, teenagers, adults, have & do still struggle. So in this, I know I'm not alone.

The first time I ever dieted was when I was 12. Atkins. That was fun. We would go to Burger King, order the double whopper with cheese, because I mean cheese was allowed, never mind  it was processed crap cheese, and then we would remove the bun.

Then around the age 15-16 I was actually pretty skinny, according to dictionary of what skinny looked like for Sophie. I was on the drill team in high school. I wasn't the biggest girl on the team, but I was the second biggest. As you can imagine, once again, dealings with insecurities there. I did get my first boyfriend during those years. Makes me wonder if it was because I was in my skinny stage and that made me somewhat more attractive. Who knows. He thought I was pretty, we dated. Through high school I continued to struggle with weight. I quit drill team. Thus no exercise. Thus hello fat. My senior year I joined weight watchers. I lost weight. I mean don't we always lose weight when we are being held accountable. Once the accountability stops, so does the weight loss.

Well here I am 10 years later. Am I skinny? No. Am I healthy? Sorta. Do I have fat? Yes. Am I fat? No. Fat doesn't define me. I have eyelashes, but I'm not eyelashes. What has happened over the last 10 years? Well...college, diet, marriage (to my first and only boyfriend), work, weight loss pills, baby, diet, work, baby, diet, work, baby, you thought I was going to say diet didn't you? Don't lie.

Here I am nearly ten months later and all I have lost is my initial baby weight. I'm getting ahead of myself, let's back up a few years. After my first born, I lost 60 pounds. SIXTY. From 227-167. Got pregnant. Gained all my weight back. (That's sixty pounds incase you're not good at math.) Had baby. Watched what I ate & exercised. Lost 35 lbs. Got pregnant. Do you see a trend here? Every time I lose weight I get pregnant!  < That deserved bold font. I digress... This last pregnancy I got up to 245 pounds. That's insane. I've never weighed that much. The only time my body ever took me into the 200's was because I was pregnant. So 2 things I know, February 2012 is the smallest I have been in 12 years, weighing in at 167. The biggest I've been, post delivering a baby is, 230.

I've lost the weight before. I know I can lose it again. But what's different this time? Why is it so much harder? I'm glad you asked, because I'll gladly share. I work full time. I'm a mom of 3. Boys. Three boys. Ages, 4, 2.5, approaching 1. When I'm not working, I want to be with my husband and kids. I don't want to cook & exercise. That requires effort. Motivation. Something I clearly lack. So how does this mother of three, wife, and sign language interpreter lose weight this time around? The answer, I don't know. You were hoping I had an answer, huh? Yah, me too.

Something in me is going to have to click. I have lost count of how many times I thought that clicking moment has happened. The click is real. I've watched friends experience the click as I sit my butt on the couch and cheer on their Instagram posts.

I know deep down my body is screaming to get rid of the fat. This past rodeo season my feet hated me for forcing my overweight body to be carried all around that concrete jungle. So that's my story in a nutshell. This girl is making an effort to get her life in order. For MYSELF, my husband, and my kids.